"two entries in one day after nothing for two weeks?" I hear you cry.  well,  yes.  I'm in a country with no nutella and no kinder buenos,  allow me to have some self-indulgence.

so,  let's talk a little about chinese.  the language.  mandarin,  as we know it.  'hanyu' ('the language of the han') as it's called here.  or sometimes 'putonghua' ('common speech'),  sometimes 'guoyu' or 'huayu' ('the national language'),  or sometimes 'zhongwen' ('chinese').

chinese is a ballache to learn.  there's no other way to put it.  it's an ugly,  ugly language and it's infuriating to try and memorize.  but,  when you're understood (like when I told the woman at the shoe-stall what size I wanted),  and when you understand (like when she told me the price),  there is something so completely satisfying about a small victory over something so difficult.

but it doesn't happen too often.

some words are single syllables,  and they change meaning depending on the way you say them.  let's take 'ma',  for example.  'ma'.  two sounds.  'm' and 'a'.  not difficult.  and not a word you'd really hear back home,  except for maybe in the phrase "gie's ma stuff back,  ya dobber."

there we go,  a small and simple word,  'ma'.  useful,  as one of its functions (when it's said with no emphasis) is to change a sentence into a question.  so,  'wode mingzi....' is 'your name.....'.  chuck 'ma' on the end,  for 'wode mingzi ma?',  and it becomes 'what's your name?'

'ma' can also mean 'mother',  'horse',  'hemp',  and 'to scold'.  so,  if you say 'ma ma ma ma?' with the right tones,  it means 'does mother scold the horse?'.

is your head buzzing yet?  deal with it.  I have to.

so,  let's talk tones.  the first tone is the 'high' tone - pitch your voice higher than you do usually,  and keep it there while you say the word.  doesn't feel natural,  but that's what you do.  like when the doctor looks into your mouth and gets you to say 'aaah!'.  written down,  it looks like this - mā.  very good,  that's tone one - the high tone.  and that means mother.

tone two is the rising tone.  say it from your midrange voice and raise it to the top,  like when you say 'what?' if you're asking a question.  you are very clever!  this one means 'hemp',  and it looks like this - má.

the third tone is the one that's a complete ballache - the falling then rising tone.  you start at the middle level of your voice,  drop it down a bit,  then rise it up to the top,  like when you say 'really?' when you're surprised.  that one looks like this - mǎ,  and that means 'horse'.

the fourth tone,  the falling tone.  a short,  sharp fall from your high pitch down to the low one,  like when you're making a statement and saying 'No!'.  say it.  SAY IT!  'ma' with that tone looks like this - mà,and is the verb for 'to scold'.

and,  finally,  the one we've spoken about already - tone five,  or the 'toneless tone' (I know,  make things more complicated.  thanks ma china).  that's just 'ma',  and that's the question particle.

(I'm not going into the chinese characters just yet,  but believe me - they are another ballache unto themselves.)

now,  try to same them without twitching your face like you're having a stroke.  good luck.  every time I attempt to speak mandarin I can feel my face going spastic,  but when it comes to new shoes it's a small price to pay.  now try and say a long word with the different tones all randomly in a row.  check the nick.  and there are rules for the tones - if you have two third tones in a row  (which is just too difficult),  you change the first one to a second tone,  just to stop your face going into uber-tard drive.

now we've got the tones mastered (ha.).  lesson one - the first thing you want to learn in any language.  'two beers,  please.'

let's set the scene - you're squatting down on a tiny fold-up stool in a hutong outside some beijing bar.  the smell of meat is everywhere,  and you're desperately passive smoking some old bearded man's cheap cigarette smoke and dodging his howking for some fresh air.  watch out for the spittle!  oop,  too late.  a toddler in a pair of plastic chaps is taking a dump on the pavement,  being held by their mother who is making encouraging noises.  here comes 'cherry' or 'plum' or 'sunshine' or whatever her name is - your friendly,  sullen faced 'fúwùyuán' - waitress.  be careful when you say this word too,  sometimes it has hooker-connotations.

'two beers,  please.'  let's skip the niceties,  coco's got a headache and she wants your order now.  'two beers.'  the word for 'two' - 'èr',  the word for 'beers' - 'píjiǔ'.  put them together - 'èr píjiǔ'.  easy.  

not so.  even if you get the tones right (and let's face it,  you won't. I've heard people say that the 'tones don't matter,  people understand what you mean from the context'.  this is untrue.  what you could be saying is something else completely random,  and that old tried-and-tested method of 'if it ain't understood,  repeat it louder until it is' isn't going to work either.  for all you know,  you could be announcing that you're a rampant paedo,  and asking raindrop if she's got any pre-teen daughters,  much to the horror and amusement of everyone in earshot.).

no,  even if you get the tones right,  you will not be understood.  and why is this?  surely,  you're in a bar,  you're saying the word for 'two' and the word for 'beer' - obvious,  non?

non.

because the chinese have two words for 'two'.  'èr' means 'two' right enough - the number 2.  'yī,  èr,  sān.'  '1,  2,  3.'.  talk about two of something,  however,  and 'èr' becomes 'liǎng'.  I don't know why,  like I said - deal with it.  it doesn't happen to any other number,  just for 'two'.  phew!

so,  'liǎng píjiǔ!'.  nope,  you're still not understood.  you're closer,  but now flowerblossom's fuming and she's about to belt you round the chops with a bird on a stick.  what do you do now?

you've forgotten your 'measure word'!  silly billy.  you can't just say 'two beers' - you've got to say 'two something of beers'.  there is no direct translation into english,  but it's kinda like saying 'four head of cattle',  or 'six plots of land'.

but which measure word to use?  there are a lot.  and they're all used for different things.  one is for round,  long things like pencils or pens.  one is exclusively for things with handles.  toothbrushes come into this category,  apparently.  there's another one solely for books,  which is 'běn'.  'sān běn shū' - three books.  there's one for flat objects,  such as tables and paper.  flat-screen televisions too,  I presume.  paper,  but not mail!  mail has a measure word all to itself.  the measure word for vehicles is 'liàng' - oh,  the same as the other word for 2.  handy!  oop,  not quite - check out that tone mark.  'liǎng liàng gōnggòngqìchē' - 'two buses'.

the one I stick to is 'gè'.  it's the most common one,  and while it's meant to be just used when talking about people ('èr gè rén'? - no no no, 'liǎng gè rén'!),  it can also be used when you can't remember what the right one is.  thank.  the.  lord.

finally,  "liǎng gè píjiǔ!"  inthebleakmidwinter smiles,  and brings you your two tsingtaos,  complete with tiny glasses to drink from.  no chugging out the bottles now,  remember - even though you need it!  and if you want tsingtao,  don't say 't-singtao'.  you won't be understood.  it's pronounced 'ching-dao'.  for some reason.

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