on saturday I touched a whore's fanny and got myself involved in the mafia.

both unwittingly,  and unwilling.  one was accidental.  

let's go back to friday.  friday is my day off.  not anymore.

'english salon!'  said my boss.

'english.  salon?'  said me.

now,  the word salon conjures up all sorts in my head.  good sorts.  cheryl tweedy beauty salon 'curls aloud' backcombed and nail polished type sorts.  

sadly,  english salon was no such thing.  english salon was on my day off and english salon was teaching yet another class about western restaurants.  english salon sucks,  and now english salon is a weekly event.  boo.

the best part about english salon was the fact that there was not enough cutlery to go round - so they PHOTOCOPIED a knife,  a fork and a spoon,  stuck the paper images to cardboard and cut out 50 sets.  ha!

but this means I am now working 6 days a week.  I am not happy.

but back to the news.

I got a text from my friend jiaxu on friday,  to say he was on his way to tangshan to see me.  I like visitors,  but I like some notice.  but anyway,  he arrived in tangshan,  and I was unprepared.  but that was fine.  an excuse to go see some of the bars that  merte and I have seen from afar.

so,  the first bar.  the first bar was quite funny.  like phoenix nights.  karaoke.  we had a beer and moved on to the second bar.

the second bar.  the second bar was also like phoenix nights.  more karaoke.  this time my arrival caused a bit more of excitement.  bowls of pine nuts were produced,  cigarettes were offered all round,  and beer was poured.  fun times.

someone came over to the table and was asking jiaxu were I was from.  (jiaxu is chinese).  much hilarity ensued from the scottish-ness,  and more beer was produced.  the next thing I knew,  I was being serenaded by a man singing 'auld lang syne' in chinese.  very very funny.

then the next thing I know,  the microphone's been thrust in my direction,  the woman behind the bar has put the strobe lights on,  and I'm singing a hi-nrg remix  version of 'into the groove' to the delight of everyone around.

J E S U S.

the man who sang 'auld lang syne' then flashed the biggest wad of cash I've ever seen in my life (it was probably worth like £50,  but it was a lot of paper),  told us that our drinks were his treat,  and that he'd meet us for lunch the next day at 1130am.  what.  the.  fuck.  but here,  if someone invites you for lunch then they pay for you to lunch - and I do not turn down a free lunch.

so,  the next day.  because it takes me an eon to get ready,  and because traffic in china is possibly the most horrific I have ever encountered,  we were late.  I was kinda shitting it because I didn't want to be rude,  but if I'd known what I know now I'd have properly been shitting it,  brown bullets down trouser legs and everything.  

so,  lunch.  lunch was a bit strange.  lunch was me and jiaxu,  the old karaoke singing man,  another old guy that had been in the bar and two ladies.  they all seemed nice.  none of them could speak any english,  so I settled back into my sit-and-say-nothing-and-watch routine.  aaah.

it was only then that I noticed the obscene amount of beer that was kicking about the table.  two crates of beer.  fair enough,  I thought.  the chinese like to drink.  and if it's free,  it suits me.

the food was bizzare.  sweet potato chips drizzled in syrup and sprinkled in hundreds and thousands.  boiled lychees cut into flowers.  prawn like shellfish that were impossible to shell with chopsticks.  if there is 70s style chinese food,  I think it might have been what I was served that day.

so the toasts began.  to me,  to my host,  to the ladies,  to tangshan,  to scotland.  between every mouthful of food a toast was called.  at one point my mother was toasted,  the toast being translated to me as being to 'a woman who must be very great and very strong to have birthed a man with such a kind face.'  by this point I was bolshy enough to ask jiaxu to tell everyone I wanted to toast my grandmother who is ill just now.  'they bless her and wish her health'.  awesome.

then I noticed that the cigarettes that the old man was literally flinging at me were the kind that are 1000RMB (£100) a packet - not my usual 50p numbers.  this was when I started getting slightly suspicious.  and completely shitfaced.

by this point we were halfway through the second crate of beer,  the old guy was still throwing fags at me and feeding me the shellfish that I was unable to shell myself.

the conversation seemed to take a serious turn,  so I looked at jiaxu with a puzzled look.

"triad."  he mouthed at me.

right at that moment I was being offered yet another £5 fag - and I dropped it on the floor.  I could feel the shit slipping out my asshole and my kneecaps being shot.  but luckily mister mafioso had a sense of humour,  laughed,  stamped on it,  ruffled my hair and gave me another one.  phew.

it was then that the tsingtao and the fact that I was having lunch with one of the biggest mobsters in the country hit me.  FUCKING.  HELL.

what a riot.

the food finished,  the beer finished first.  "we're going back to the bar now",  I was told.  "and he wants you to go to taiwan with him next week."

back to the karaoke bar.  I sat down at a table,  immediately had a beer poured for me and tried to get my head together.  it was busy and noisy.  this was at 3pm.  3 in the afternoon on a saturday.  muntered.

mister mafia nipped out,  and came back with a plastic bag full of ice-creams.  everyone in the bar cheered and got handed one.  mine had raisins in it.  raisins make me want to vomit,  but I ate it.  most of it.  I excused myself and flung half of it out the bathroom window.  I am praying that this has not and will never be noticed.  it could've been worse,  I could've got a pea or a sweetcorn icecream that the chinese are so fond of.

"he says at 26 you should have at least 6 mistresses." was what I was told next,  and suddenly a poor prostitute was beckoned to come sit beside me.  she was pouring me tea and beer and popping pine nuts in my mouth,  so I thought I'd ask her her name.  she looked shocked.  I can't remember what it was.  then the old guy grabbed both my hands,  shoved one up her skirt and one on her chest.  so in four hours I had lunched with the mob and groped a hooker.  not bad going.

"I think we should try to leave."  I whispered to jiaxu,  and he agreed.  we made up some story about me having to teach a class in a few hours time ("he says teaching is a very noble profession and it is very noble of you to go teach the rising suns instead of enjoying yourself.") and managed to escape.  but only after standing outside and having my picture taken with the whore and the head honcho.  a mistake maybe,  I feel.

then back to the apartment and straight to bed,  only to wake up four hours later with the most raging hangover and an urge for a KFC.  ugh.

what a busy day.

it's a special lady's birthday today!  happy birthday chuck x

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