ooft.

my stomach's not been the best in china.  I've lost a fair bit of weight,  even with munching on all those boxes of orion pie.  I think it's to do with the stress of moving,  the lack of sleep,  and probably because the food at the school is pretty rancid.  being polite.

the last few days have been really bad.  I'm blaming the crab.  I've been running (in more ways than one) from my office back to my apartment every hour or so to use the toilet,  because I refuse to use the toilets in the school.  they're actually revolting,  the squat pans have no doors on the cubicles,  there are huge clear windows that look out onto classrooms meaning everyone can look in,  and one time I witnessed a cleaner mopping the floor - using 'water' from one of the pans.  really,  really fucking disgusting.

so,  as you do when you have an ailment - I've been playing it up to buggery.  yesterday I woke up at 7:55am by merte knocking on the door.  we start in the office at 8am.  I told her I wasn't feeling well - which,  to be fair I really wasn't - and that I'd get her in the office.  at 9am,  I was on coffee number 3,  cigarette number 5,  and chatting to people on msn.  when I finally managed to get to the office at 9:45 (still without showering,  I thought I would go for the full on tramp look for sympathy),  I found my boss and merte sitting by my desk,  looking concerned.  result.

my boss tried to convince me to go to the hospital,  but after seeing many many different chinese toilets in different states of disgustingness I really do not want to see what a ward looks like.  finally he calmed down,  but only after I'd agreed to let him go out shopping for me for some 'things',  and take me out for dinner that night for something I'd be able to eat.  score.

he came back with some weird powdered bean stuff which you add to hot water - which is actually quite tasty,  some 'sachima',  which is pretty much just chinese rice-crispy cakes - which are actually well tasty,  and some chinese herbal pills 'for the spleen and stomach;  poor digestion with nausea,  vomiting,  burping,  regurgitation,  stomach gurgling,  borborygummus (?),  distension in the middle warmer (??) and stomachaches' - they smell so verdant I'm not sure if I should gob them or crush them up and smoke them.

because I've been feeling so ill lately,  I left merte to plan the tuesday culture class lesson by herself.  big mistake.  she decided we'd teach one of her favourite short stories - 'the man from the south',  by roald dahl.

now,  'the man from the south' is a good short story.  I think it's okay.  I don't really think it's supposed to be a funny short story - it's about a boy who bets his little finger for a car,  and how he has his hand tied to a table and almost has it chopped off - I think it's more a 'tales of the unexpected weird type short story.  I really don't think it's especially suitable for a class of 16 year olds who have limited english and live in a country with a mafia of triads who are notorious for cutting fingers off,  but whatever.  it was merte's idea,  and merte thinks the story is proper hilarious.  a german thing maybe.

she got through her two classes of baffled teenagers,  and I did my first one.  by the time that had finished,  I was proper ill,  sweating and shaking and not feeling very well at all.  I was trying to hint to her to take my last class because I didn't feel so good,  but she didn't go for it.  sadly.  so,  no sweat.  or rather,  a lot of sweat.  the class arrived and I started to battle through.

now,  neither of us have to sit in on each others classes - we alternate between who takes the first two and the last two.  the last two classes are the better ones,  so we both get a chance to teach them every two weeks.  this was what our first barney had been about earlier in the day.  before we'd started,  we were sitting in the office,  and andy our boss asked us how the kids in these classes were.

"ah,  the last two classes - bravo!"  said merte "but the first two - not so.  he is very lucky,  he gets the good ones today.  but next week they are mine!"

"yes merte"  I said,  "I get the good ones today.  but you got them last week and you get them next week.  that's how it works."  

I always feel bad when she winds me up,  but sometimes it's just ridiculous - and all times,  it's when a boss is around.  when it's just me and her she's always whining about her computer not working,  saying it louder and louder until I sigh and help her. 

but anyway,  I would usually just sit in on one of her classes and go back to the office for the other one.  she always sits in on mine,  mainly to criticise me afterwards.  this time,  I sat in both her classes.  quietly,  at the back,  only speaking to me when she asked me what the name for these: "" was.  (an english teacher that doesn't know the name for quotation marks?  awesome.)

it came to halfway through my second class,  and I was feeling worse and worse,  sweating and shaking and trying to keep the kids under control - and I saw merte leave out the corner of my eye.  I'm thinking 'please god,  let her have gone to get andy or an ambulance or at least a glass of water',  but no.  she came in clutching her camera.  her fucking CAMERA.  or her 'photo' as she calls it.  (an english teacher that calls a camera a 'photo'?  awesome.)

so,  now the kids are all jumping about and posing,  flashing peace signs and not listening to anything I'm saying.  d i s r u p t i o n.  thanks,  merte.  not that I actually really gave a shit,  I felt too ill to care.  pretty fucking annoying and rude though.

so eventually we finished and they left,  apart from one of the rebel kids who stayed behind and started asking me if I a)  believed in freedom,  b)  wanted freedom,  c)  thought I had freedom in the UK and c)  if I thought china had freedom.  slightly hardcore at the best of times,  much too hardcore when you're dying of stomach failure.  when he wrote '1989.6.4' on the board and asked me if I knew the date,  I almost DIED.  I managed to usher him gently out the class and erase the date of the tian'anmen massacre just in time before andy showed up.  phew.

then out for pizza.  grand.

then today.  the last time in my proper classes,  I taught them the present simple tense ('I study!') and the present continuous tense ('I am studying!'),  and the subtle differences between them both.  eventually they got it,  and it was great.  they probably won't remember it,  but my plan for them tomorrow is to play them some music which uses both in the lyrics - 'I say a little prayer' by aretha franklin.  'I SAY a little prayer' - present simple tense.  perfect.

so I spent most of today in the office,  typing out lyrics,  deleting the verbs,  downloading videos and generally just going about my happy business of preparing for my class.  just me.  merte teaches a different class from a different book,  so she deals with her own lessons.  today was me,  my headphones and aretha.  awesome.

"may I see what it is you are doing?"  she said.

"sure."  I said.

so I showed her the video of the song,  and sang along to some of the words.

"no no no.  you are wrong."

and now we commence the barney for today.

"I'm sorry?"  I said

merte - "no no no.  you are wrong."

me - "I SAY a little prayer - I SAY is present simple.  while I'm COMBING my hair now - I AM COMBING.  present continuous.  I'm WONDERING what dress to wear now - I AM WONDERING.  PRESENT CONTINUOUS."

merte - "no no no.  you are wrong."

 

then she gave me a huge lecture on how 'I'm wondering' is not grammatically correct - "you cannot say this this way!  it is not in the dictionary!  you say 'I wonder'.  'I am wondering' is not grammatically correct,  and is uneducated.".  she's right,  with some verbs.  some verbs should not take the -ing ending.  but these things can change,  and do.  'love' being one of them.  thanks to mcdonalds and the fact that language is organic,  'I'm loving it' has become okay.  NOT wrong,  and certainly NOT uneducated.  I actually started to doubt myself,  but thankfully when I googled 'I'm wondering vs. I wonder',  I found out I was correct.

 

so I had a HUGE rant about how I a) am a native english speaker,  b)  studied this at university,  c)  lived in an english speaking country  and d) how language changes - people DO say 'I'm wondering...' all the fucking time because it is grammatically correct,  and has a very subtle difference in meaning to 'I wonder' that you possibly only get if you are a native english speaker.  STEVIE WONDER HAS A SONG CALLED 'I'M WONDERING' - this should be proof enough.

 

raging again.  she's just well fucked off that I've got good ideas to back up what I'm teaching my class - I taught them present simple and present continuous tenses last time,  so this is a good way to teach them the verbs being used.  I don't want them to understand every fucking word in the song or anything (another thing she said "they will not understand the text!  it is much too difficult!",  yet yesterday she was quite happy to give a class of kids who are one year older a 4 page short story about drinking martinis and betting for cadilliacs),  I just think it's useful for them to be able to see how we use different tenses seeing as that's what they're studying.

 

what's she planning for her class?  for her class which she has a textbook from which to teach from?  she has decided to teach them the names of birds.  birds in english.  birds which she doesn't know the names of in english.  english birds which have no relevance to the english textbook from which she is teaching english.  today she has had to ask me the names of 'magpies',  'sparows',  and 'swallows',  'robins',  'gulls' and 'pigeons'.  she got really arsey when she asked me the names of  birds and I didn't know them.  this should surely be an indicator of importance.  I am a native english speaker who has used english to go about my daily life in an english speaking country for more than 20 years.  the names of birds are not important to me because I am not a bird-watcher.  but using a classic song to give an insight into culture and grammar in beautiful harmony - that is ridiculous and uneducated.  what a rude,  rude woman.  now I am starting to doubt my entire plan of playing the song.

but then,  if the kids don't like aretha then there is really nothing I can do for them.

rant over.

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