this weekend has been boring.  very,  very boring.

my original plan was to go through to beijing on friday night,  go out with some friends and come back to tangshan on sunday night.  but,  because I am a total fanny,  I spent all friday thinking it was thursday,  and trying to plan what to do for friday - but,  because it was actually friday,  it was too late to make any plans.  (there is no point going to a train station the day you actually want to travel to get a ticket - that would be far too easy.  instead,  the tickets go on sale 10 days before the date of travel.  this wouldn't be too much of a problem,  but people tend to go and buy as many tickets for as many trains as possible,  then try to punt them outside the station for ten times their worth.  thanks,  guys.)

so on saturday I went to merte's room for breakfast at 10am,  then arsed about my apartment until three when Divid Han came to pick us up to show us the 'sights' of tangshan.  

I set up a bank of china account,  which was surprisingly easy considering the length of time it takes to get most stuff done here (my account has a grand total of 10RMB - about a quid.  which isn't too bad,  considering that could buy three beers),  the he drove us to this massive beautiful lake,  which turns out to be man-made and fake (like everything else in this country).

now,  there was a major earthquake in tangshan in 1976 - so that's pretty much what this city is famous for,  people dying.  we were in the car driving about the lake when merte asked Divid Han if any of his family or friends were injured in the earthquake.

"well,  yes.  my brother and my father died."

*silence*

merte - "I have heard there is a memorial to the victims,  I would very much like to see it."

*silence*

Divid Han - "okay."

*silence*silence*silence*

U N C O M F O R T A B L E.

I don't know if it's because she's german or because she's 68,  but she manages to get away with stuff like that all the time.  it's kind of admirable.

then I got shown where the local swimming pool is - I'm still too scared to go,  this city is so dirty it wouldn't surprise me if there were jobbies floating in it - and then dropped off at the supermarket.  I bought loads of stuff,  we came back to the apartments,  merte went to bed and I sat about doing nothing until four am.  we got back at 6pm.  dulldulldull.

today was just as dull.  the kids get one weekend off in four,  and this was one of those weekends - so things were strangely quiet and I slept in until 11,  making me late for breakfast with merte.  then I went back to bed,  got back up at 6,  and went into town with merte for dinner.  she ordered steak,  which resulted in no end of confusion.  "seven or eight?" the waitress kept saying.  "old or young?"

we had no idea what she was talking about,  so she went and got the chef who came out in a ridiculously high hat.  we still had no idea what they were talking about,  so reverted to nodding and smiling.

she must have agreed to having a rare steak even though she asked for it well-done - it came out swimming in blood,  with a massive prawn on top,  covered in a sauce that looked like jizz.  tasty.

and that's been it.  dull.  next weekend I plan on escaping the dullness by going to tianjin to see a friend on friday night,  staying there then getting the train to beijing on saturday morning.  but no doubt I'll get asked to work or something will happen to scupper my plans.  the 1st of october is national day,  and it's the 60th anniversary,  so the whole country will be mental.  I plan on hibernating for the whole week holiday,  so I need to get some fun in before then.

get me and my bank of china savings book and card.  like a blankety-blank check-book and pen,  only not as credible.

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my big beautiful one-bedroomed dream was shattered last night.  I was told I'd have to move apartments.  "oh."  says I "when?".

of course the answer was "now."

so,  I had to get all my stuff together and take everything down the hallway to the apartment one door down on the other side of the corridor.  I have a lot of stuff,  so even the small journey took a few trips,  especially combined with all my cleaning products,  my dirty laundry,  and the contents of my fridge.

which was only when I realized that the new apartment didn't have a fridge.  or a washing machine.

by this point,  a group of people had gathered together in my new apartment - miss liu,  the shrill woman who's in charge of accommodation,  my boss andy and a woman from my office called linda,  merte,  some random other chinese people (all doing what chinese people tend to do when stuff needs doing - standing about and talking chinese loudly (and shrilly in the shrill woman's case) and not really doing anything that needs to be done)),  and I could feel myself losing the plot.

"eh,  where's the fridge?"  I asked the shrill woman,  trying to keep all the dairy stuff that took me an eon to find gathered up in my arms.  "NO FRIDGE!  WE BUY A NEW ONE!"  she screeched.  "and the washing machine?"  I said,  pointing at the pile of sweaty laundry.  "NO MACHINE!  WE BUY A NEW ONE!"  was the reply to that too.

so my veins were popping out my temples,  and I was about to lose the rag - and in a shocking show of sensitivity and compassion,  the shrill woman placed a hand on my shoulder and said "BUT GOOD APATMENT!  GOT TWO TOILET!"  - and let me into the bathroom.

I should add here,  that because this is a two bedroom apartment and I am one person,  I got to chose which bedroom I wanted - the other teacher is either japanese and arriving 'today',  or american and arriving in 'no-wemburr',  depending on who you believe or listen to.  I - naturally - picked the bigger room.  what I hadn't noticed was a sign saying 'A' on the bedroom door.

"SEE!  YOU BEDROOM A!  YOU USE TOILET A!"  said the shrill woman,  pushing me into the bathroom.

so what they've done is put two toilets into the same room,  which is also the same room as the shower.  the toilets have partitions in the same style that you'd get in a bar - crappy plywood stalls.  as compensation for having a smaller bedroom,  person B gets the bigger toilet cubicle.  in order to make space for the second toilet,  they've shifted the shower into the corner where the sink would've been,  and put the sink out into the hallway.  thus cementing my suspicion that if something can be done in a slightly stupid and ridiculous way,  the chinese will do it.  as if I'm gonna go in and take a dump if my flatmate's in the toilet too!  or even worse,  go in for a shower while he's taking a dump.  it really makes no sense.

and it was only after all the chinese people cleared out my flat that I realized I'd missed the canteen for dinner.  but all was not lost - I had a big pot of dried noodles with me - just add boiling water.  which led onto another problem - there was no kettle.  so they made me leave an apartment which had a kettle,  a washing machine,  a fridge and even a toaster to go to an apartment which had none of these things for no reason at all.  I ended up having to boil water in a wok on a hotplate to have noodles and tea (and when I say boil,  I mean BOIL - there was a major earthquake in 1976 in tangshan - thousands of people died,  and according to someone I spoke to they threw all the bodies into a pit,  a pit which the water that comes through the taps happens to go through.  I believe it.).

then today was just boring.  office at 8,  lunch at 12 (I think I've finally cracked the canteen ladies into giving me smaller portions),  office at 2,  finish at 6.  still no classes organized,  or idea of when they'll even begin.  

and then tonight's been mega boring - merte went to her bed at 7,  the creepy australian is nowhere to be seen.  I've hardly moved off my bed since I got in.  dull dull dull.

my boss andy bought me a present - a kids' toy computer that speaks to you in mandarin,  to help me learn chinese.  it was quite sweet of him.

he's still one creepy fucker though.

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the honeymoon period of being able to go to the office at 930am is now officially over - so at 750 this morning I dragged my sorry ass up to the office and sat down in front of my computer.  and sat in front of my computer.  and sat there until just before midday.

then lunch.  dumplings.  again.  I'm getting a bit sick of them already.  the food in the canteen doesn't seem to change from day to day.  I'm a bit worried that I'm sick of the dumplings - I'm here until at least January.  I doubt they'll be putting on a spread for christmas.

I decided to venture out to the shop after lunch - and the "NI HAO!"  lady was there.  I thought I'd try something different,  and gave her a "zai jian!" as I left,  which she also found hilarious.  I'm glad I gave her something to laugh about.

then at 6pm,  merte and I decided we couldn't handle the canteen anymore - so we got a bus into town and went to the 'fashion steak house!"  one thing's for certain - the fashion steak house sure ain't fashion.  but it was better than the dumplings.

tangshan is weird.  we counted 7 hairdressing salons in the space of 5 minutes.  but still everyone has shit hair.  there's no excuse,  people!

lovely puffs!  ironically enough,  not lovely.

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there's something floating in my toilet which seriously does not look like it exited from my anus - it looks like a squid,  or some form of sea-life.  I am sure I flushed the last time I took a dump,  so this means that either someone has been in my apartment,  or,  more disturbingly,  that it travelled from someone else's toilet round my u-bend and into my pan.  ugh.

I gave my first two classes today - I had to introduce myself and talk about scotland to two different classes.  I'd made a powerpoint presentation,  thinking 40 images of Haggis and Lochs and Kilts and Tartan and all that guff would be adequate for a 45 minute lesson,  only to find myself struggling and image-less with 20 minutes to spare (both times!  I was gonna talk really really slowly the second time,  but still found myself foiled).  the kids were actually pretty sweet,  apart from the spazzies and the full-on rebels (more on this later),  so both times we just talked and discussed glasgow and tangshan.  the hard part was actually getting them talking,  but after a lot of "any questions?  anybody?  no?  anybody?  no?" they kind of opened up.  it didn't help that there was row of teachers sitting up the back of the class assessing me.  miss liu was one of them,  so I was pretty intimidated - never mind the rest of the kids.  one of the kids asked me what I thought of the food in the school canteen,  and I managed to catch myself and say "the dumplings are really good!",  thus implying that the rest of the food is fucking ming without actually having to say it.  which is quite a feat,  considering I'd had a tin of tsingtao and a handful of beta-blockers before I went into the classroom and floated my way through the two teaching hours.

but yes,  I had to assess some students on sunday,  and there was one girl who went on the pure rage.  her english was proper good - she actually had cadence and everything - she was talking about her family.  then she almost had a breakdown,  saying that this school was like a prison and that her grandad was ill and she couldn't get away to see him (she's not wrong by the way - the classes here start at 630am,  and they don't finish until 930pm!  it's proppa HARDCORE).  

anyway,  today after my second class,  one of the kids came up and asked if he could speak to me - and started going on really quietly but urgently about how the school system was "too much,  something has to change but nothing ever does."  FUCKING HELL!  why do all the angsty kids come to me?  they must be able to sense what I was like when I was at school.  boost kid - go smoke a joint and chill out like I did when I was your age.  oh,  actually,  you can't - you can't get out the school.  sorry.

it seems like all the rebel kids want me to join forces with them and over-turn the system.  I'm gonna end up getting myself shot or beheaded or something.  at least it shows they feel they can talk to me.  (catherine said that one to me in an email when I told her,  I'm going to keep telling myself the same thing until I believe it.  or get shot,  whatever comes first.)

another school in tangshan has had cases of swineflu,  so I'm back to getting my temperature taken twice a day.  knowing my luck the school-gates will be locked for a while and we'll be on full-on quarantine and I won't be able to get out to buy fags.  oh well,  a good a time as any to quit.

mmm,  orion pie.  like a wagon wheel,  only shitter.

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today I woke up late,  didn't have a shower and went to work.  not much else happened.  I have to give a 'demo class' tomorrow - at first merte and I thought we would sit in on a class,  to see how it would be taught.  not so.  I have two classes of 60 students,  and I have to give a 'presentation' on scotland and where I come from.  so,  I did the whole Haggis/Highland Games/Whiskey/Tartan thing as a powerpoint presentation (if the computer in the classroom doesn't work then I'm fucked) - then,  ten minutes before we finished in the office (our hours are 8 - 12,  then 2 - 6.  there's fuck all to do,  I just drink coffee and try to look busy.  it's a bastard they can all see my computer monitor,  but I just look at English websites like it's the done thing and pretend I'm working) he asked what vocabulary I was going to be teaching them!  what a fanny!  merte's gone all-out on her germany thing.  she's going on about what concept questions she's gonna ask and stuff.  pie that,  I'm just gonna talktalktalk for both my 45 minute sessions.  tomorrow morning I might have a tin of beer and a heap of beta-blockers (did you know they were invented by a Scot?  FACT!  I found that out today doing my research,  get me) and just float my way through the day.  what would Joan Crawford do?  she'd probably take a wire coathanger and beat shit out the kids,  but I'm not taking things that far.  yet.

at dinner time we eat in the canteen with the kids - and the food is properly howling.  miss liu was in the corridor to my apartment for some reason,  and told me to try the noodles and friend rice because they were 'delicious'.  miss liu lies.  

so,  after binning a bowlfull of noodles and fried rice,  merte and I shared a beer,  then got a bus into town to try find a postbox - which was a pretty hard task.  no one seemed to know where one was - and a few people looked at us like we were asking if they knew where the abortion clinic was (merte is 68).  

and this afternoon,  I took a walk to the local shop (which is 15 minutes away!) to buy cigarettes.  the woman who worked there found it hysterical that the extent of my mandarin is pretty much "ni hao ma?",  and followed me around the aisles screaming "NI HAO MA?  HAHAHAHA!".  I figure this is pretty much why nothing in china gets done - everyone is so childlike and busy shrugging their shoulders and not getting frustrated that no-one is actually doing anything.

but I bought 'breakfast biscuits'.  I have no idea why.  'Leisure Comfortable Food!'  I don't even eat breakfast.  I bet they taste like meat.

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I've been in China for 16 days, and I still haven't taught any kids. I have, however, learned not to question things. People walk down the street clapping, patting themselves, spitting. Everything smells like meat. Everything tastes like meat. Apart from the meat, which tastes like fat and hair. People smoke everywhere. Like, EVERYWHERE. I was having a beer with Merte, the other English teacher at the school I'm working in, and I explained to her how I like to time going to the toilet so I'm there by myself "so I can get a cubicle, you know. A stall. I like my privacy.", only to find that there were no stalls, just two squat pans on the floor facing the urinals. No walls or partitions or anything, and a big clear window (not frosted, and on the ground floor) looking out onto the street. But to light a cigarette without cupping your hand around the lighter flame, or not accepting a business card with two hands - now that is dirty. I'm in a town called Tangshan, just outside Beijing. I say 'just outside' - it takes 2 hours from central Beijing to get here by bus. But you can be on a bus from central Beijing for an hour and a half and still not have left it because it is fucking massive. The school where I'm working (and also living) is also fucking massive. 3500 students, and the majority of them also live here. The alarm sounds at 6am, and at various times until the final alarm at 10pm. How the kids do it, I don't know. Soon I'll have to do it too. But my apartment is okay. A bedroom, a living room, a kitchen and a hallway. Thee living room is out of bounds at the moment - I caught sight of something with too many legs and too many eyes crawl in that direction, so I closed the door and haven't opened it since. The bathroom is like something from my nightmare - all bare pipes and filth, like the industrial zone from The Crystal Maze mixed with what I imagine a bathroom on a submarine to look like, but I bought shitloads of Doraemon toiletries and towels and flannels, and it makes it slightly more appealing. No more 45 minute showers for me though. Today I asssessed around twenty year 10 students, to see if they were good enough to start the new program I'm running. The majority of them were rubbish, but it doesn't matter - the parents are paying, so I'm teaching. One girl tried to sweeten me up by giggling and saying "Oh, teacher! You are very handsome." Nice try, bitch. 3/5 for you. Daddy's paying my wage, so cut the shit-talk. But it's 11:30pm, and I'm tired and need to sleep. Too much has happened for me to write everything. But hopefully now I've found a way past The Great Fire-Wall of China, posts will be more regular. The mugs in my apartment all feature a series of cartoon bears (a 'lovely sweet bear', apparently). My favourite one features the duff cunt on rollerblades, with the words 'Cutty Bear in Inline Club'. I think it's supposed to be Cutey Bear. I don't know for sure. Like I said, I've stopped questioning things.

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